LIT4934 - Workbook Entry 12: Herb Blau Lecture

I took a lot of notes at the Herb Blau lecture, but two things stuck in my mind.

First was Blau's assertion that Beckett wasn't a nihilist because he was too hopeful. I found this interesting because I don't really see a lot of hope inherent in Beckett's work. Generally, Beckett seems to be struggling with the extreme imperfection of life as we know it.

I guess the only hopeful element I see in Beckett's work is that he doesn't give up utterly. He's miserable and discusses that misery quite extensively. He sees no real hope -- all hope is artificial hope that we create ourselves to motivate us to persist either in meaningless inaction (Waiting for Godot, for example) or unsuccessful action (Film, for example). Life is all about waiting for the end (Endgame, for example) and struggling with our inner demons ("The Calmative", for example). I guess that is more hopeful than someone who says there's no point in the struggle, no point in bothering to wait -- a view that ultimately leads to the conclusion that suicide is just as viable an option as any other, and is probably more honest.

The second thing that stuck in my mind was Blau's response to Thomas' question about memory and how that seemed to stimulate a burst of intense introspection and possibly a struggle for words. We know he's writing his autobiography and is revisiting his life -- the things he's proud of and things he looks at and probably asks, "How could I be so stupid?"

This sticks because it resonates with some things I've said to other people over the past few semesters. As the 40-something student in the midst of mostly 20-somethings, I find myself realizing (perhaps slightly jealous of) the freedom the 20-somethings have as they are unattached, not tied down. It reminds me of something someone told me when I was a 20-something in college. "You have more free time to do what you want right now than you will later in life." True.

They could have also added, "In many cases, no matter what choice you make, you'll probably end up wishing you'd at least tried the other choice." And to that I should add, if I'd made the other choice, I probably would have wished I'd tried the choice I made. It isn't so much a "no win" situation as an aspect of human nature. We want what we don't have, and what we don't have is often a result of the choice we make, hence we end up wishing we'd made different choices so we'd have what we don't have.

That said, I look back at some of the choices I made of which I casually think,"I wish I'd chosen differently," and speculate about where the different road would have led and realize that, if I'd gone down that road, I'd still have regrets. Two roads diverged… and I chose the path I chose. Trying to go back and try the other way will get me nowhere. And if I run back and then down that other path and decide I was happier where I was before, will I have enough time to get back to where I was before it's too late? Is "too late" inherent in the first undoing?

So, Blau's reflection reinforced this line of my own thinking. I've made choices. Some I think I wish I'd made differently. That's normal. Keep moving forward. As Beckett said, "I'll go on."

Which is another example of Beckett not quite qualifying as a nihilist.