Attitude Adjustments

My son has several letters attached to him that classify him as different from other kids. One set of letters is AS (Asperger's Syndrome). Another set is ADHD. And another is IQ (very high). Each of these sets of letters brings different positives and negatives. For example, IQ means he often sees how to do things after one or two examples--sometimes none. On the other hand, he struggles to explain how he knows what he knows when it is intuitively obvious to him. Doesn't know the formal terms for some of the things he understands and can explain. Tests don't like kids who can't explain how they know what they know and don't know formal terms.

But my topic isn't all the pluses and minuses. My topic is my attitude about all these letters, and the attitude I sometimes see other parents of kids with letters show.

About a year ago I read a post on a blog I follow discussing an issue related to ASDs (Autism Spectrum Disorders--AS is part of that spectrum). The article was controversial because it was about the whole autism/vaccine debate. I'm not here to get into that debate.

I am here to talk about all the people who posted about their kids with autism saying their kids were defective, broken, damaged, unfit. I'm not making that up. They used exactly those words--sometimes made even harsher statements. The sad part is, these writers seemed to miss the deeper implications of what they said, how those words reflected on and affected their own attitudes toward their child, and what that attitude implied about their ability to truly help their child.

I'll note that all of these posters were anti-vaccine. Again, I'm not trying to get into that particular debate, just noting that the people who had stopped looking for someone to blame talked about their kids differently. That's my point.

As we attached letters to my son to explain his differences from other kids, I didn't worry about who to blame. Who didn't matter. I wasn't going to be able to extract any benefit from any who. If it was genetic, should I beat up myself or my wife or my grandparents? Would that change anything for the better? If it was environmental, should I spend years pursuing lawsuits and cursing the people who'd caused it? Would that help my son in the here and now--the window of time when we have the greatest opportunity to help him learn how to operate among neurotypicals without sacrificing his individuality?

No. Fix the problem, not the blame. And the problem isn't my son, or even the letters, it's certain behaviors, attitudes, approaches that result from them. And knowing the letters, I can learn approaches that can help him find an appropriate balance between conforming and being himself, ways to use his differences to his advantage.

The letters changed more than my son. They changed (and continue to change) the way I interact with my son. I needed to learn to see impending meltdowns so I could help him see them and redirect. I needed to focus on positive achievements, improvements, growth. Token economies, talking it out, behavior modification techniques, breaking it up. I spend a lot of time educating educators, have learned a lot more than I ever thought I'd know about certain laws, and am continually amazed by the sometimes brilliant, sometimes stupid people I see in schools. (Sometimes the same person is both.) All that changed (continues to change) me at least as much as it changed (continues to change) my son.

I don't claim to be anywhere near perfection, but I know I am a better father to my son today because he has all these letters attached to him. My son is not defective. He is unique like any child should be. He is not unfit for his intended purpose. Who am I to define a purpose for his life? Maybe his purpose is to make me a better person. I am not particularly concerned why my son has all these letters. He does. I'm not going to change that. It always amuses me that the people who believe vaccines cause ASD nevertheless want a vaccine that will make their kids "normal." Really? You're going to trust the same people who "broke" your kid to fix him? (It isn't going to happen anyway. Too much brain circuitry to rewrite.)

And would it be a good thing to "fix" all these problems and make everyone "normal" (whatever that is)? I think not. Who wants to be just average? Temple Grandin says the person who made the first flint spearhead wasn't some yakkity-yak sitting around the fire talking, it was the Aspie, sitting alone in the back of the cave, fascinated by the way stone flaked when he hit it just so. I bet she's right. I've read articles discussing the link between neurological difference and great minds--thinkers, scientists, artists, dreamers. I think the world would be boring if every person's brain worked the same way.

If your child has letters attached, if you think your child is broken, defective, unfit, ask yourself if it isn't your attitude that's broken. Who's going to spend a lot of time helping trash shine? I have a diamond in the rough--sometimes very rough. Polishing that diamond takes a lot of care and effort and learning. But I believe it can be done. That's my attitude.